Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
