So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
