M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
