with your own penis?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
