I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
