I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
