Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
