Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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