just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My bed smells like the plague
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
