My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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