Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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