I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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