The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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