i think my tv is drunk
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
