I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
