if i can run in heels then i can drive
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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