How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
