I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
