If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
