if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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