I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My balls are so social today.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
