I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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