Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
look no pants
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
