I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
