There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
