He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
