I met the friendliest cop last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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