do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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