i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
