i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
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Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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