Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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