Four minutes until I can fart!
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
