Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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