i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
