she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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