allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
