it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
