Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
