one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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