I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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