I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
