this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
