I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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