Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
