i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
