Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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