sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
