He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
