You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
