So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
