I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
