yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
