I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We need to get me chipped asap
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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