Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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