I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
