I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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