$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
