I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
