You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
